Learning From the Negatives

Okay. Here’s what I’ve been thinking. I’m pretty sure that how I got so “off track” was that I was so busy trying to figure out who I needed to be, I forgot who I am. Despite what I tell myself when I’m in the depths of depression and self-loathing, I really do know who I am and what I believe, etc, etc. But I have a tendency to slip back into that people-pleasing mode from childhood (you know the one – you get it from growing up in a bat-shit crazy family with a bunch of alcoholics and drug addicts. Yep. That one.) And when I do that, the people-pleasing thing, there is no possible way I can be true to myself. That, of course, is crazy-making behavior. Voila!

When I start twisting myself around trying to make someone else comfortable, I’m the one who suffers. Now, I’m sure this isn’t a big revelation to a lot of you, at least, not to those of you who have all your shit together in a tight little bag, but to me, it’s HUGE. For whatever reason, I keep having to relearn this particular lesson. For pity’s sake, I wish it would stick already!

Count me a bit behind on the New Year’s resolution thing, we’ll just call it a new resolution. And here it is: I resolve to be ME – 100% unadulterated, unapologetic, and only slightly filtered (let’s face it – there are some things that just don’t need to be said.) I’m going back to my no-holds barred, shoot from the hip, take no prisoners style. No wonder I’ve felt like my skin didn’t fit right lately. IT DIDN’T! I don’t know whose skin I’ve been walking around in, but it sure wasn’t mine.

I feel better already just thinking about it. In fact, I may break a bone trying to pat myself on the back. Let’s think about this for a minute or two. How does one lose oneself (one’s self? – come on, all you editors out there, help a girl out here) so completely that one does not even recognize that one is lost? One does not know, but it surely happens. I’m sure I’ll be pondering this for a while trying to come up with some answers. Those of you who know me well know that I like for everything to fit into a neat little box with all kinds of reason and rhyme to back it up. It’s been so long since things (and when I say things, I mean LIFE) made any sense, that I can hardly remember what that felt like. But, I tell you, I’m about to find out again.

For one thing, I’ve walked through life tentatively for the last few years, not making decisions, just allowing the ebb and flow of circumstance to push me along. That is so NOT ME. Well, NO MORE. No more tentativeness, no more wishy-washy, no more on-the-fence.

Who was that masked woman??