Every time I scroll through my email address book, I run across my dad's name. He has been deceased now since February 16, 2005 - four years. And I still can't bring myself to delete his name from my address book. His name is still in my phone, too, even though I've had several new phones since he passed away. I sync my phone with my computer, so even when I get a new phone, his name goes right in there with all the other names and numbers. Call me weird, but I just like seeing it there.
There have been times when I scrolled to his name, clicked on it and sat there looking at it, telling myself it is silly to keep it, just hit the delete button and it will be gone. But I can never do it. It feels disloyal, somehow. I can't even explain it. It's just a little reminder for me when I see his name and I like that.
My mother died a year after my dad, almost to the day. I kept her name in my address book for a while, but I did delete hers, finally. The difference, I think, is that I was with my mother when she died. I was in the room with her and was there when she took her last breath. I grieved for her, I still miss her; but I came to terms with her death in a way that I never have for my dad.
Daddy was alone when he died. No one was there to hold his hand or kiss his brow when he took those last breaths. I tell myself that he probably preferred it that way, he was a very private man; but I don't believe it. It haunts me that he died alone. And in some unexplainable way, I believe that is why I've never been able to completely say goodbye to him. That's why I keep his name in my email address book, I guess. It's my last connection to him and to delete it would mean letting go of his hand. The hand I never got to hold as he took his final breath.
So, I guess his name will stay. How long it will be there, I don't know. I guess until I figure out how to let go of his hand.
There have been times when I scrolled to his name, clicked on it and sat there looking at it, telling myself it is silly to keep it, just hit the delete button and it will be gone. But I can never do it. It feels disloyal, somehow. I can't even explain it. It's just a little reminder for me when I see his name and I like that.
My mother died a year after my dad, almost to the day. I kept her name in my address book for a while, but I did delete hers, finally. The difference, I think, is that I was with my mother when she died. I was in the room with her and was there when she took her last breath. I grieved for her, I still miss her; but I came to terms with her death in a way that I never have for my dad.
Daddy was alone when he died. No one was there to hold his hand or kiss his brow when he took those last breaths. I tell myself that he probably preferred it that way, he was a very private man; but I don't believe it. It haunts me that he died alone. And in some unexplainable way, I believe that is why I've never been able to completely say goodbye to him. That's why I keep his name in my email address book, I guess. It's my last connection to him and to delete it would mean letting go of his hand. The hand I never got to hold as he took his final breath.
So, I guess his name will stay. How long it will be there, I don't know. I guess until I figure out how to let go of his hand.
